Ballad of Pirate Hale

He's larger than life in every way,

Especially his laugh.

Most think he mostly spends his day

On the UCSB HEP staff.

      None knows the true story -

      All that wasted glory -

So here's just a piece of the tale.

The Soap Box Derby Board wants him

Alive or dead - a dungeon's

Ready, but no ship's so trim

And swift as the Melungeon's.

      Yearly they chase him,

      But never outrace him,

That trickiest pirate, Dave Hale.

He built the ship with his own hands

Of oak and carbon-fiber,

Kevlar, G-10, rubber bands.

Old world art and cyber

      Skills built her,

      A tsunami won't tilt her,

She makes any dreadnaught look frail.

His loyal and bloodthirsty crew

Is led by first mate Susanne,

And Damnation Dan, his second, who

Has killed with just a banana.

      Dave's every decision

      They execute with precision,

Especially "Throw 'im over the rail!"

He often lurks near the Channel Isles

And preys on merchant ships.

Behind his greying goatee he smiles

When he ends tourists' trips.

      There's luxury-yacht sinking

      And martini-drinking

Wherever one finds Pirate Hale.

"Any local glug you should store below,

If a wine merchant ship we find.

Throw overboard the old Bordeaux

And hope that my fishes don't mind."

      There's endless thirst-quenching

      And sneer-at-the-Frenching

Whenever the Melungeon sets sail.

His feasts feature prawns, tuna, lobster lasooed,

May finish next week or next day,

With abalone a la mode,

And flying fish flambe.

      Cups crashing, pots clanking,

      And loud "Walk the plank"ing

Is melody to Pirate Hale.

It's said he gets his pirating shirts

In his yearly raid on Maui.

Whatever terrifies and hurts

The eye most, that is how he

      Chooses. No victim

      Will try to convict him

For fear that the shirt might make bail.

He likes to sing old Broadway tunes

And have the whole crew dance -

Or drinking songs beneath full moons,

Selections from Penzance,

      Or any song,

      Long as it's long,

And lonely as a coyote's wail.

"I chased a white whale round the Cape of Good Hope;

Never once did I let the line slack.

I pulled him in then (or else I'm the Pope)

Out of pity I threw him right back,"

      He says, his reel falling.

      You'll get a keelhauling

If you doubt Dave landed that whale.

Slow-seeping oil stills the wave.

He suddenly cries, "We hold here!"

The crew is puzzled, looks at Dave.

"I sense the fishes' fear."

      The surface is shaking -

      The fish are all quaking:

They know their time's come without fail.

"Let ze liddle fishies flee",

In fake French he remarks.

"I've got ze pairfect recipe

For catching great white sharks.

      No fonder weight

      Than live bonder bait

For my line," explicates Pirate Hale.

He's drawn to an inside royal flush;

He's conquered man and fish at sea;

His curses make a sailor blush;

He's a better man than you or me.

      He hands a peeled carrot

      To his black-and-white parrot

Which squawks, "Beware Hale! Pirate Hale!"

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