Ballad of Pirate Hale


He's larger than life in every way,
Especially his laugh.
Most think he mostly spends his day
On the UCSB HEP staff.
      None knows the true story -
      All that wasted glory -
So here's just a piece of the tale.

The Soap Box Derby Board wants him
Alive or dead - a dungeon's
Ready, but no ship's so trim
And swift as the Melungeon's.
      Yearly they chase him,
      But never outrace him,
That trickiest pirate, Dave Hale.

He built the ship with his own hands
Of oak and carbon-fiber,
Kevlar, G-10, rubber bands.
Old world art and cyber
      Skills built her,
      A tsunami won't tilt her,
She makes any dreadnaught look frail.

His loyal and bloodthirsty crew
Is led by first mate Susanne,
And Damnation Dan, his second, who
Has killed with just a banana.
      Dave's every decision
      They execute with precision,
Especially "Throw 'im over the rail!"

He often lurks near the Channel Isles
And preys on merchant ships.
Behind his greying goatee he smiles
When he ends tourists' trips.
      There's luxury-yacht sinking
      And martini-drinking
Wherever one finds Pirate Hale.

"Any local glug you should store below,
If a wine merchant ship we find.
Throw overboard the old Bordeaux
And hope that my fishes don't mind."
      There's endless thirst-quenching
      And sneer-at-the-Frenching
Whenever the Melungeon sets sail.

His feasts feature prawns, tuna, lobster lasooed,
May finish next week or next day,
With abalone a la mode,
And flying fish flambe.
      Cups crashing, pots clanking,
      And loud "Walk the plank"ing
Is melody to Pirate Hale.

It's said he gets his pirating shirts
In his yearly raid on Maui.
Whatever terrifies and hurts
The eye most, that is how he
      Chooses. No victim
      Will try to convict him
For fear that the shirt might make bail.

He likes to sing old Broadway tunes
And have the whole crew dance -
Or drinking songs beneath full moons,
Selections from Penzance,
      Or any song,
      Long as it's long,
And lonely as a coyote's wail.

"I chased a white whale round the Cape of Good Hope;
Never once did I let the line slack.
I pulled him in then (or else I'm the Pope)
Out of pity I threw him right back,"
      He says, his reel falling.
      You'll get a keelhauling
If you doubt Dave landed that whale.

Slow-seeping oil stills the wave.
He suddenly cries, "We hold here!"
The crew is puzzled, looks at Dave.
"I sense the fishes' fear."
      The surface is shaking -
      The fish are all quaking:
They know their time's come without fail.

"Let ze liddle fishies flee",
In fake French he remarks.
"I've got ze pairfect recipe
For catching great white sharks.
      No fonder weight
      Than live bonder bait
For my line," explicates Pirate Hale.

He's drawn to an inside royal flush;
He's conquered man and fish at sea;
His curses make a sailor blush;
He's a better man than you or me.
      He hands a peeled carrot
      To his black-and-white parrot
Which squawks, "Beware Hale! Pirate Hale!"


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hart@charm.physics.ucsb.edu