The captain was biting her fingernails. It wasn't clear to the first mate
what that meant. He said, ``Why aren't we on Basically Happy and Content?''
``Don't bleed on the deck,'' she replied. After a while she spat out a
fingernail and said, ``Computer says it decided to wait till we passed Pluto to
wake us up. It's pretty upset; it says everybody's dead.'' The first mate
said, ``So what? That's what it told us last time it woke us up, as if we
didn't know it already.'' ``No, it says everybody everybody; it can't raise
Basically Happy and Content.'' He said, ``They thought we were crazy a
thousand years ago, who knows what they're like now. They're probably just
hoping we'll go away.'' She said, ``It says it looks like there's no sign of
life there. It's worried that its friends have been shut off, too, since
there's supposedly a real mess on the surface.'' The first mate dripped
thoughtfully for a while, then said, ``Wake me up when we get there.''
He had hardly finished bandaging his arm when the sound of the computer
talking excitedly to the captain brought him against his better judgement back
to the bridge. He walked around the puddle on the deck and looked
at the image which had just formed on the screen. It was an alien, very
apologetic-looking he thought, sitting in front of the no doubt historic ruins
of the
United World building. They hadn't done a very good job keeping it up, he
thought. The computer was yelling, ``Where is everybody?'' over and over again
while the alien just sat or squatted or somethinged there. ``Tell the stupid
thing that it has to wait for the signals to get there and back,'' said the
first mate. The computer shut up. After a while the alien said, ``Well, I
don't really know how to tell you this, but they're dead. As a matter of fact,
we killed them all. I don't what came over us. In any case, I'm dreadfully
sorry about the whole thing.''
The captain got up and turned off the computer's speakers. She said,
``Well, it's not a total disaster, I guess. There should be more than enough
frozen embryos and gametes in warehouses for us to reconstruct the human
race.'' After a pause the alien replied, ``Actually we blew them all up. The
ones on your moon, too. We were thinking about trying to soup up the species
you evolved from, but we couldn't seem to find any. I really don't know what
to say, except that if you hadn't been so dreadfully backwards and stupid -
well, nevermind.'' ``Huh,'' said the captain.
The first mate was finding the long pauses in the conversation very boring.
The alien continued, ``You'll be glad to know at least that it was an accident
and won't happen again.'' ``Umm, right,'' said the captain, ``seeing as you've
done a pretty thorough job on Basically Happy and Content there's no question
about that.'' ``No,'' said the alien, ``what I was getting at was that we
felt so bad when we found that you didn't have any other planets that we all
killed ourselves. I've been waiting the last few hundred years in case one of
you might
come back in order to apologize in person if possible. I hope
you'll find it in your hearts to forgive us for our absolutely irresponsible
behavior. We recorded the whole thing, of course; I'll send you a copy right
now then blow myself up. So, that's about it, once again, my sincerest
apologies.'' The captain got up and turned off the screen, then turned the
computer's speakers back on. It was saying, ``Wow, this is some video,
they really blew their whole... Christ, what's the thing doing? Oh, cool!
What a mess, hey, there's...'' The captain turned the speakers off again.
After a while the first mate said, ``Do you think it wouldn't have blown
itself up if you had told it we have plenty of spare embryos on the ship?''
The captain, who had started on her fingernails again, said, ``Oh, who cares
anyway?'' The first mate tugged at his bandage, wondering if he'd tied it a
bit tightly. He said, ``So do we thaw them or what? It'll be a real hassle
dealing with all those babies.'' The captain thought about it a while. ``I
guess we could convince the computer to do most of the work.'' The first mate
yawned and said, ``Well, it's probably easiest to chuck them, but maybe
you ought to ask the computer what it thinks. You two can decide whatever you
feel like. I'm going back to sleep. By the way, tell the computer to give it
up with the damned cards, would you?''